Being a bit of an anti shopper, going shopping anywhere in the world is a bit of a drag. Now when you consider shopping in Pakistan – Karachi; that is a whole new other ball game. You have to be prepared.
First things first, if you look like anything like you belong to the female species, even that of a goat, you will be stared at. Take a deep breath, let that sink in, accept it. Done? Ok, moving on.
Keep the dupatta on if you are the sort who likes to say, “My eyes are up here.” Trust me, without a dupatta, your eyes will have somehow skipped a major de-evolutionary process and dropped 6 inches or so below your neck. Ok, scratch that, dupatta or no dupatta, makes no difference. Your eyes will remain below your neck.
Be prepared to be called a ‘baji’ by a man at least twice your age with a beard white enough to rival Santa’s. If he strokes his beard while talking to you, RUN! The word baji means nothing. With Pakistanis marrying their first cousins at an alarming rate of 75%, chances are his wife called him ‘bhaijaan’ right up to the Valima after which he automatically became ‘Jaanu.’ So uhm… yeah RUN!
If one shopkeeper is able to pry his eyes away from the goat.. er… you.. and says “Baji, aapka rang to itna gora hai, yeh bohot acha lagay ga aap par” and he pushes a puke mustard yellow dress towards you (or places it upon himself to make it more ‘alluring’) don’t buy it… because no one else has. For good reason too! It’s nasty! And get a tan will you, pasty bhoot!
While walking from one shop to another, keep your arms neatly tucked in like in a football (American.. geez.. I would’ve said soccer otherwise) huddle, because that guy there… yes, right there with the center parting with more oil on his hair than Saudi Arabia.. will gently or maybe not so gently push a part of him up against yours. If he is the tame (ami maarengee) sort then it will just be his fingers brushing up against you with him singing some old Govinda tharki song. Or perhaps the ever so popular Akshay number “Tu cheez badi hai mast mast” under his breath. At this moment, you can ignore him, slap him with your desi chappal (have wipes ready to counter the oil) or remind him to update his music; we are no longer in the 90s.
Dirty looks are also counterproductive… but for this particular talent, I like to take my mother. She goes equipped with a dirty look, which she seems to think can take the ‘bad’ guys down more effectively than Batman in his Batmobile. And it does. Maybe. Ok no.
Keep your purses zipped, locked and placed inside another bag, squeezed tightly under your arms, because that lady there in the full burqa and naqab. is going to steal your money, cell phone and maybe that last stick of ding dong too. (ref: Gulf and Park Towers.) And no you may not ask her to take her burqa off to check if she did in fact steal from you, because that would just be inappropriate. De-veiling a burqa clad woman? What were you thinking! Also, just as inappropriate would be to ask EVEN if you thought it was a thick mustached man named Abdul in there posing as a penguin, ninja, dammit, I mean woman.
no wait, i mean
Lastly, if by chance you plan to go to a Lawn (clothes not garden, duh) Exhibition, tie up your hair, wear a helmet, knee pads, a neck collar to prevent excessive jerking, (I mean the neck not the behavior), a bullet proof vest and keep a baton handy, because chances are, you won’t make it back out alive. The shoppers there are more focused and determined than any fully trained soldier in the battlefield. So much so, if you have a problem with the accuracy of drones, put the “Season’s” lawn print on the terrorist and watch these ‘shoppers’ zero in and get the sucker.
Al right, I shall go and write my will now.
dupatta – long scarf
baji – term for older sister
bhaijaan – big brother
jaanu – darling
Valima – Wedding Reception
Baji, aapka rang to itna gora hai, yeh bohot acha lagay ga aap par – Big sister, you are so fair, this color will look nice on you.
Bhoot – ghost
Ami maarenge – Mama will smack me
chapal – slippers
Suren said:
More oil on his hair than Saudi Arabia.. >> Bwahahaha 🙂 Loved the humor. Also noticed how the AK “moves” (visual) continues the story beyond “Ammi maarenge” finger nail rub; A sick state of affairs in desi lands. Was that deliberate ?
Ding Dong ?? Never Mind !!
More blogs please. Let’s hear those voices in the head.
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Shamila Ghyas said:
Ding Dong is a popular kid’s chewing gum. 🙂
And thank you!
Presently, I am trying to decide which voice to listen to. 🙂
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transhumanisten said:
Absolutely hilarious – and what a great writer you are ! – I am going to reblog this..
A pakistani woman wrote me saying I was posting B.S. myself.. :
http://transhumanisten.com/2014/01/10/hot-sexy-inappropriately-dressed-muslim-women-pew-research-and-middle-eastern-values-survey/
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Shamila Ghyas said:
Thank you very much for the compliment and for the reblog! 🙂
Firstly about what the lady said, Pakistan has two sides. She is right about everyone not being conservative. One is the supposed liberal ones or the *bad muslims* and the other religious in your face sort. However, the one thing they have in common is that they are both hypocrites. The liberal one will drink booze till the room is spinning but the minute someone says something about the prophet, swords are pulled out. Well, since it is Pakistan, guns.
What I wrote about shopping as a woman is very true. Shopping IS like that for all women. In many places, you can’t even venture out wearing simple jeans and a t shirt without the fear of either been stared to death or been harassed.
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transhumanisten said:
Yes, – I am well aware that not all Pakistanis are conservative. As I told the offended lady, I read articles by Kunwar Khuldune Shahid with great pleasure, and I also mentioned several others. I might have told her also that I have actually been to Pakistan, many years ago, but then I was also in India less than a year ago. I’m not quite sure how Pakistan compares to India, – (“better” or worse), – but according to G20 – http://tinyurl.com/ncwp8tb – India is the World’s worst country for women, – (infanticide, child marriage and slavery ) – ahead of Saudi-Arabia ! – As I also told the lady, I am not sticking my nose into this to offend anyone, but to give my full support to brave women fighting for equal rights.
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Shamila Ghyas said:
India has two sides like Pakistan but overall is doing better than Pakistan.
I am very surprised that India did worse than Saudi Arabia on that list. Shocked even.
You have been to Pakistan? Where did you go, if I may ask. What did you think?
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transhumanisten said:
I would have placed Saudi-Arabia rock-bottom myself, but among Arab nations, according to another poll – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-24908109 – Egypt is the worst country for women, – sexual harassment cited as the main factor.
My visit to Pakistan.. – Well, I guess I have to reveal that “many years ago” translates to almost 40 years, when I travelled along the hippie-trail, – (by all means of transportation, including hitch-hiking), – beginning from the famous “Pudding shop” in Istanbul, through Turkey, Iran, Afghanistan, then Peshawar, Rawalpindi, Lahore, and finally India and Nepal. Basically, I felt better the closer I came to India, but actually I felt like being in India already after entering Pakistan. After Nepal, I almost ran out of money and left the way I had come, except for taking a turn back in Turkey and going through Syria and Jordan to the “West Bank” and Israel. – Another time, about 26 years ago, I landed in Karachi, again on my way to India. I stayed a couple of days, but was adviced to stay indoors, as there were riots going on.
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Pingback: Shamila Ghyas: Shopping in Pakistan 101.. | Transhumanisten
Shamila Ghyas said:
No, I am not a Pakistani immigrant in the USA. I proudly hold on to my green little Pakistani passport. 🙂
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Saima Salman said:
A very interesting read not mention that I was laughing out loud at most parts as well as nodding vehemently. Waiting for the next one!
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Shamila Ghyas said:
Thanks Saima. 🙂 You are one of the best writers I know so really.. thank you!
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Saabi said:
Its hilarious. Very well written shamila.Iam
witness to most of the situations in the story. When ever iam visiting back home iam not going for shopping anywhere. My sis is a designer so she take all the hassel for me.
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Shahzad said:
Excellent.
Those apt graphics worked as sweet syrup on fluffy pan cakes at McDonald’s.
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Syed Atif Ali said:
Hahahahahah…love it.
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Vijay said:
Lol@goat.
You should also do a piece on how they react to a hot guy in a sleeveless T.
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Qizill said:
so true .. love it lady ..stay blessed
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Heina said:
You are hilarious and this is a perfect description of what happens to women in Pakistan as per my experience. I’m subscribing to you immediately.
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shumaila said:
exact story !!!
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Shahzad Sheikh said:
Hahahhahahahaha Baji…so true… me still uses Word Baji at the age 42 🙂 sorry Girls… i will be carefull … Ankhen khol di hain …. good work Baji 🙂
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