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This blog is for those who didn’t like or could not relate to Muslimaaniyat 101
Hopefully this time around, I will be more successful in explaining how to be a good muslim in Pakistan.

We will try to forget Palestine and the Jews this time.

Just kidding, we Pakistanis can never forget the Jews. Remember the stinky face you are supposed to make when you hear the word Jew?

I heard JEW!

I heard JEW!

I mean, who else would we blame for half our problems? Wait, let me post a link to boycott all Israeli products on my Yahudi technology run laptop on Yahudi Atheist (ooh, double trouble) owned Facebook.

Back! So here we go:

You must insult in the worst way possible, anyone who wins a Noble (that is how we Pakistanis spell Nobel) Peace Prize for your country. If he is a brilliant man who might even have a street named after him in Switzerland, you shall call him a Kaafir and shudder at the thought of his name appearing in textbooks. Allah forbid should our youth be encouraged to think of anything else other than the usual houris awaiting them in heaven. #neverforget

If the Noble Peace Prize winner is a 17 year old girl, then you shall call her an American Agent, a Zionist conspiracy, a Western pawn amongst the other colorful adjectives that you probably wouldn’t use in front of your own 17 year old kid. She obviously cannot be a muslim and it makes no difference that she wears a scarf on her head and starts her speech with Bismillah. Goddamn it, she made Pakistan look good. She can’t be a muslim!

Of course!

Of course!

Pic of Malala made with people's hateful words by Arslan.

Pic of Malala made with people’s hateful words by Arslan.

If you are the “liberal” read “ignorant” muslim, and you still have some shame to not criticize her, you will then instead say, “EDHI should’ve won!”
Yes, because this was the frikkin’ filmfare awards.

Filmfare Awards.

When you go for Haj or Umrah, you will take selfies. The more dedicated you are, the more selfies you will take. Hardcore level is when you take them while performing the rituals themselves. Khane Ka’aba as a backdrop? WIN!

His bald head makes my face look purty.

His bald head makes my face look purty.

Say KAABAAAAA

Say KAABAAAAA

I am bringing Sexy back.

I am bringing Sexy back.

You will not have seen the movie Haider but you will rave and pester everyone how much you want to see it and how brilliant it is and click LIKE on every Haider related post on facebook! Why? D’uh. Obviously, because it makes the Indian Hindu Army look bad. It’s an Indian army, so it is “Hindu army.”
India may have a larger muslim population than Pakistan.. but dammit it, the army is Hindu! *Rts Haider related post on twitter *

 Sab ke sab CHUTZPAH!

Sab ke sab CHUTZPAH!

When the name Raif Badawi comes up, you will say “hain ji, who kaun hai?” Because you are completely clueless about what goes on in the world. Obviously, because he is not a Palestinian who was killed by a Jew *stink face.*

The sentence now includes death and a 1000 lashes.

The sentence now includes death and a 1000 lashes.

You will cuss your men’s cricket team every chance you get, but you will refuse to acknowledge that you have a women’s cricket team who won the Asian Games Gold medal. (Women out of the kitchen, who will make the round rotis now?)

What completes a woman – the Round Roti!

If a Pakistani wins an Oscar, you will say that woman (women just make things worse, don’t they?) is making Pakistan look bad. She should not have shown the acid victims. She should have instead shown the socialites who dress in gold from top to bottom, own about 350 branded bags but still refer to Louis Vuitton as Lu-eess Veeton. Now THAT would have made Pakistan look good. Or you could just show a man.

Lookin' good brah!

Lookin’ good brah!

You must watch every Pakistani movie and even if it is nothing but a bowl of crap, you will say “it was great… for a Pakistani movie.” No! Either it was a good movie.. or it was not. It’s like saying those were good fries, for a potato.

You will drink alcohol and get drunk and even come on TV looking even more of than idiot than you usually are…. BUT you will not eat pork.

I have a beer factory in my belly.

I have a beer factory in my belly.

You will watch all the Bollywood movies especially for the item numbers. After drooling onto your neighbor’s chair, your popcorn box, and chin, you will say things like “behudgi ke hadh hai” and “they are spoiling our culture and youth!” Then when you go home, you will watch it on repeat on Youtube, with a VPN of course.

Speaking of culture, anyone seen our Pashto movies?

Culture Overload.

Culture Overload.

You will praise and swoon over Fawad Khan, Ali Zafar and every other MAN to go to Bollywood, because let’s admit it they make us Pakistanis look good. And you will refer to all the women who go there as cheapoo sluts who just want to make Islam look bad. Because in the heart of every muslim, a good muslim woman is one who is educated but stays at home and spends the whole day doting on her mother in law and hubby dear.

I’ll borrow a pic from our neighbors for this one.

The mother in law was also once a daughter in law.

The mother in law was also once a daughter in law.

You will be a BIG fan of Junaid Jamshed. You will sing Dil Dil Pakistan every time his name comes up. You will be dazzled by the impossible shine of his luscious beard and completely ignore his remarks about how women should not drive. He is clearly a scholar; his views echo those of the prominent Saudi Sheikh-y cleric who said women who drive would damage their ovaries. Maybe you could wear a sauna belt and drive, which might keep the ovaries from wobbling inside. Women are so cool, when they drive, a disco party takes inside. (yes, I said disco party.)

Women should not drive. My beard is shinier than your hair.

Wobbly ovaries - Lahaul vila quwat!

Wobbly ovaries – Lahaul vila quwat!

At this point of the blog, you will curse Malala again, and repeat that Edhi should have gotten it.

When Saudi Arabia sentences a cleric who asked for equal rights for shias, to death, you will secretly say in your heart “Shukar, warna khatmal har jaga chah jaatay.” (less pesky bed bugs)

Death for you, you Shia.

If you see an Ahmadi, and IF you are able to fight the intense urge to kill him or at the very least, shove him in a ditch, you will cross the street and walk a fair distance from him.

Run muslim RUN!

Run muslim RUN!

You will keep an 8-12 year old child as a nanny for your own 5-year-old child. You will pay peanuts because you will say that is just a child not capable of doing much… even though you leave the care of your own child on her. When you go out for dinner, the nanny will either sit outside the restaurant or sit on the table staring at you eat.

On BakreEid, you will get the hugest cow and/or prettiest goat to compete with the neighbors. Because hey, size does matter. You will buy the animals just a day before Slaughter Day, so their stinky poo doesn’t hurt your delicate nose or spoil your garden. You will do Qurbani ONLY and ONLY if you have servants who will handle most of the work.

Oops, wrong pic. There needs to be blood.

Oops, wrong pic. There needs to be blood.

Every time someone falls sick, you will first do khatams with badaams and what not, then pray about 20 nafils, and when all clearly fails and the person is 2 seconds away from death, you will take the ill person to a hospital. When he is ok after having surgery, meds, and 24 hours care, you will thank God for saving him. Leaving the doctor a little bit confused. Or you could just shake the disease out of him.

Shake it like Maulvi...

Shake it like Maulvi…

You will criticize ISIS/ISIL/istupid or whatever they call themselves, in public, and you will refer to them as NOT muslims!

No, wait a minute, back up a bit, you don’t support ISIS chopping arms of thieves and stoning people, treating minorities like crap, burning down places of worship, BUT you are ok with your keeper of religion, Saudi Arabia doing it? Didn’t they also behead 60 people, chop off arms and what not? So who is the muslim here? Saudi Arabia, ISIS or you?

*looks at watch* Time to curse Malala again.

You will call her a liar and claim she was never shot. Because for a person to be shot, it has to happen in front of you to believe it. When your army, who you are so ‘Hai Allah’ proud of, claims that they have caught her shooter, you will look at the sky and say  AGAIN “Edhi should have won.” And then add ”Even Obama won it. It’s a stupid prize any way.”

When the imbecilic law keepers of your country uphold the death sentence for Asia Bibi, instead of doing something about it yourself, you will ask “What did Malala say about this?” (Yes, this happened.)

Lastly you will preach about Islam to every Tom Dick and Harry (because obviously they are not muslims)… even though you don’t speak a word of Arabic or have even read the Quran in a language that you understand.

You will end this blog by saying

I want a sammich.

THAT’S RACIST!

*FYI : Abdus Salam won The Nobel Prize in Physics 1979 not the Peace Prize like Malala. What counts it that he won a Nobel, sorry I mean Noble and made Pakistan look bad.

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