Diary of King Sulayman of Wahabaria

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*Names have been changed to protect the guilty

Dear Diary,

I haven’t written for a very long time because I had been really busy telling people what to do. It tires me out.

Friday was a sad day for me. I really don’t like Fridays anymore. It came and went and there was still no lashing for Baif Radawi. Why do people have to stick their leg in the middle of my fun hobby all the time? He is Wahabari I am Wahabari, I should be able to do whatever I want with him. But No. These blasted human rights people! They are so few in number but they really make my beard itch. Speaking of which, my lasher says he has got a rash on his arm for not being able to lash enough people lately.

So many problems to handle.

Once I have my rightful place in the UN, I will show them, there are only Wahabarian rights, not human rights. Till then I will play along – well sort of. It’s not like people don’t like my hobby. They do it all the time behind closed doors; I am just more old-fashioned with my ways.

Note to self: must check waterboarding. It sounds like a fun game. It has water and bubbling sound effects all in one.

I was so stressed a few months back because of my son number 10. (I really must remember to memorize their names in descending order.) He said that a little Shia boy had told him that his watch looks fake. Astaghfaar, as if anything of ours could be fake and that too, a Shia kafir saying that?

I told son number 10 not to worry and that I have his back. So I rounded up all my friends in lower places and bombed the houthis off the Shias in Remen. Small pesky fly like group for now but I plan to get to Jiran later.

However, one thing that happened that I did not like was when little Bakistan said ‘No’. I didn’t even know that such a word existed before then. I showed her who is boss though.

I am such a busy man. I am also breaking all these historical sites in Makkah to build a humongous hotel to accommodate pilgrimage makers. I will definitely be rewarded by the high power for this. I am even making rooms with a view as long as they can pay for it, of course. In my eyes, the one who pays the most is more valuable.

Anyhoo, after the war in Remen, I really got tired and needed a break and wanted some quiet to myself, so I took a mere 1,000 people for a small quiet holiday to the Frenj Riveira. But the Frenj must be really jealous of all the money I have, they signed silly petitions to make us leave. As if. Just my little grandson’s pocket money is enough to increase their revenue.

What I don’t understand is why did the President listen to them? This is why there should only be Kings. Presidents are weak and they listen to their people. To teach him a lesson, I did not pay the hospital bill of 2.6 million pounds. That should teach him to listen to people.

What is it with these weak Presidents and listening to people anyway? Bobama, of all the people, listens to his wife. The shame. A woman! When he came to bow to my hand when I was made King, he brought his wife as if she was an equal. I still remember how we could see her hair! I didn’t see my own wife’s hair till after the Walimah. And here she was, shameless shaking hands with her open hair.

But I let it be. After all, if they disrespect their women by flaunting their face, hair, body what can I do. At least our women are nicely under my control. And Bobama does contribute so much to the Wahabari Army.

Then there was this whole Tyrian refugee thing. I made sure they could not come. It is for their own good. If they come, where will they live? We need the extra space for the hotels so people can be closer to God. Besides, how will they pay the rent? How will they afford the food? They will starve, so it is better they starve in their own country rather than in a foreign one.

I am nice like that.

Then my stupid people started adopting Tyrian orphans. The bloodline! These idiots want to spoil the purity of our blood! I don’t let Wahabari marry non Saudis! I even banned men from marrying Bakistani women. They think I will let them taint our blood like this with Tyrian adoption? The thought makes me want to marry 5 more women and make 25 more pure blooded babies.

So Diary, this saddened me so much I decided to call Bobama to tell him I will visit his country for another much needed quiet holiday and to talk about the kafirs in Jiran too. I told him my favorite colors are red and gold and he was so compliant. He turned the whole Georgieton into gold and red.

I do like how the gold gives my small eyes a nice glow. The floors were all covered with red carpet; I did not even have to see the yucky floor or step on it. He has even emptied a whole hotel of 222 rooms just for me. He is a good one, this Bobama even if he does give too much freedom to his wife. The Frenj really need to learn a few things from him.

I am going to stop for now. My diary writer’s hand is a little tired. It is also lunchtime at Georgieton.

Sept 7, 2015.

This article was first published at – http://nation.com.pk/blogs/07-Sep-2015/diary-of-king-sulayman-of-wahabaria

Raped.

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Reyhaney Jabbari

There may be more to this story, but Reyhaneh Jabbari was hanged by the Iranian Government for killing her would-be rapist. The thought that in some eyes and ears, this is considered justice is beyond my comprehension.

So I ask a few questions. All of which have been asked numerous times before, yet have not been answered. Not that I know of. So, I ask them again, hoping that this time, maybe someone will be able to answer at least one.

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Muslimaaniyat 102: How to be a good Muslim in Pakistan.

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This blog is for those who didn’t like or could not relate to Muslimaaniyat 101
Hopefully this time around, I will be more successful in explaining how to be a good muslim in Pakistan.

We will try to forget Palestine and the Jews this time.

Just kidding, we Pakistanis can never forget the Jews. Remember the stinky face you are supposed to make when you hear the word Jew?

I heard JEW!

I heard JEW!

I mean, who else would we blame for half our problems? Wait, let me post a link to boycott all Israeli products on my Yahudi technology run laptop on Yahudi Atheist (ooh, double trouble) owned Facebook.

Back! So here we go:
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The good things about Pakistan.

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I have been told, on more than one occasion that I only post negative things about Pakistan. Also, that I make Pakistan look bad in front of everyone, including our ‘apparently unfriendly’ neighbor.

I firmly believe that to treat a problem, you have to first acknowledge that it exists, only then can you go about solving it. People, who sweep things under the carpet or prefer to stick their heads in the sand every time something negative comes up, are not helping Pakistan. Not in my opinion, any way.

BUT, this list is going to be about all the good things in Pakistan. I will not mention a single negative thing. How about that!
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Muslimaaniyat 101 : How to be a good muslim in Pakistan.

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If you are a person wishing to learn about being a muslim in Pakistan; look no further, you have come to the right place. You could be a muslim from another country, a recent convert, or simply one willing to be the ‘best-est’ muslim out there. This list is just for you.

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  • You must post about Gaza around 99 times a day on every social media that exists. You must cry! No, not cry but rather WAIL your heart out about how bad you feel about them. (Do put aside your Ramadan pakoras though, the tears might ruin the taste.)

If you can’t muster up real ones then crocodile tears will suffice. Poke your eye if you have to, but get those darned tears out!
These 99 posts are equivalent to a person going kaboom, you both shall get 72 virgins/houris in the end. *wiggles eyebrows*
Disclaimer: houris not included for women heaven-ers.

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The Idiot’s Guide to Driving Nationalities.

They say one can tell where you are from by just looking at the clothes you wear and the way you act. I say, why get up so close and personal, when you can just tell by the way they drive.

In Dubai, where drivers hail from all over the world, just a few minutes is all you will need to deduce what nationality sits behind the wheel, more often than not, wreaking havoc.

I’ll start with my favorite :
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It’s raining blasphemy.

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Things for which you will be  (and have been) booked under blasphemy in Pakistan.

  •  For being an Ahmadi! Let’s face it.. .. it is sooo blasphemous to be an Ahmedi in Pakistan.. that even people with the surname Ahmad are eyed suspiciously. Usually with one eye ready to pop out of the socket and an eyebrow defying gravity and flying towards the ceiling.

(Ok, maybe not all the people surnamed Ahmad.. just the ones who stick up for Ahmadis)
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