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  • At the traffic light, red mean ‘slam on the accelerator and vroom vroom off’ while Green means ‘look both ways slloowwlllyyy before moving.’  The mysterious function of the yellow light continues to baffle Karachiites on a daily basis.

Red light could also mean ‘Take pics of yourself.’

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  • You roll up your windows at the signal so you don’t get mugged or shot. No wait, it is Karachi, I meant mugged AND shot.

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  • Every person on a motorbike is a potential mugger. This even includes the poor guy who just happens to be on his way home. It makes no difference if his wife, 5 kids, the mother in law and the neighbor’s adopted cat are riding with him. And that helmet he is wearing is not for protection; he is in fact hiding his face from you. *note: must ask biker if I survive the mugging, why his family wears no helmet?

  • You hide your ‘naya latesht’ cell phone and keep a crappy second green screened one to give to the muggers. (Ok, enough about mugging, we get it..it should be called Muggarachi)  – Aah, now you get why I wrote Muggarachi!

Hey, at least it has the game Snake.

  • You define people as Burgers and people from ATB. (Across the bridge). Which is strange, because they actually have better bridges.
  • You insist the food in Karachi is better than in Lahore. (It is!)
  • You always use the word “bhai” after Altaf. Always! *looks around to check for ‘boris’*

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  • Majlises in Moharram are either the most dangerous place to be, or the place where your daughter is most likely to get a rishta. (Hey, black looks good on everyone.) Black IS the new rishta!
  • Pepsi rules over Coke.

  • You have a hidden pocket in your shalwar where you keep your money. (Damn you Muggarachi!) And for the love of God, please stick that ridiculously colorful ‘naara’ back inside the shalwar. Unless you are trying to attract bulls, no one wants to see it. Cats. It might also attract cats. And the end result might not be all that pleasant.
  • The poshest area has an amazing and very effective drainage system called ‘khadaas.’
  • You are dead against Valentine’s Day and deem it against your culture and religion calling it vulgar. However, you have no qualms about showering Mumtaz Qadri with flowers  and ‘full of oh-my-sexy-love’ cards on Valentine’s day. This is especially true if you are a lawyer.

Hmm, maybe as Valentine’s Day falls on a friday this year, it is more unislamic. Ok, definitely more unislamic this year. Jumma Paro Sab!

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  • The funniest joke is “Aapkay ghar mai gas hai?” This is usually followed by incessant giggling and then jokes about Nihari and Nawaz Sharif. Yes, these two nouns usually go hand in hand.

  • When people talk about war stricken and dangerous countries, you walk in with a swagger and say “Wassup, I am from Karachi!”

  • When you buy the latest lawn print, you have it stitched within an hour, so you can wear it to school the next day when picking up your kids.

fashion sherlock

  • When you brag about how many guns and guards you have and actually think that it makes you sound/look cool. (It doesn’t. You’re an idiot.)

Really, you are an idiot!

  • When a loud bang could mean anything from a door slamming, a tire bursting or a suicide bomber ‘kabooming’ in your neighborhood.
  • When even earthquakes make loud banging explosive noises.
  • You see the news about a bomb blast, you wait to hear the stats on how many dead, then go back to watching the Urdu dubbed Turkish drama on TV. Yes, the one with the censored cleavage.
  • You get dressed up, look real purty and go get photographs taken with an adorable bomb blast survivor and post on every social media there is to get “YOUR” 15 seconds of fame.

  • Your wedding functions start when the whole of Islamabad has already gone to sleep.
  • You go to Dolmen Mall every week. Literally, every single week!
  • Friday is ‘strike day.’
  • Your ability to cuss in every language increases exponentially when unable to get to your destination thanks to Bilawal Zardari, I mean Bilawal Bhutto’s house.
  • You will stand in line for hours to get a burger from the new franchise in town but will not line up to get your passport renewed without bribing someone to speed things up.

  • You drive like you are playing  Need For Speed.

  • When violence increases around the country, the people of Lyari say ‘that’s cute.’
  • On bakreid, the skin of your sacrificed animal/s goes to Altaf…bhai.. bhai… I said bhai!
  • If you like to read, a trip to Sunday Bazaar is a must. Ok, also to get clothes, cutlery, 2nd hand shoes and to promote child labor.
  • You claim Karachi is better than Lahore. As if that could even be contested, of course it is better.
  • Karachi Broast, ’nuff said.
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