If you are a person wishing to learn about being a muslim in Pakistan; look no further, you have come to the right place. You could be a muslim from another country, a recent convert, or simply one willing to be the ‘best-est’ muslim out there. This list is just for you.
- You must post about Gaza around 99 times a day on every social media that exists. You must cry! No, not cry but rather WAIL your heart out about how bad you feel about them. (Do put aside your Ramadan pakoras though, the tears might ruin the taste.)
If you can’t muster up real ones then crocodile tears will suffice. Poke your eye if you have to, but get those darned tears out!
These 99 posts are equivalent to a person going kaboom, you both shall get 72 virgins/houris in the end. *wiggles eyebrows*
Disclaimer: houris not included for women heaven-ers.
- You must post pictures of horrifying incidents inflicted in Syria, Iraq, etc and claim that non muslims (ie. jews) are doing this to people in Gaza. Or Indians to Kashmiris when you are feeling particularly creative. Never verify the pictures you post. NEVER.
- You have to say Allah Hafiz to make it more (rather ONLY) muslim friendly. Khuda Hafiz was too generic, I mean anyone could have used it and we don’t want that, do we.
- You must use the word Ramadan because it makes everyone think you are an Arab. That is the most important mission in a Pakistani muslim’s life, to be an arab; and the 72 virgins. We must never forget the virgins.
- You have to delete everyone on your list and life who dares to even quietly suggest that there be peace for both Israel and Palestine. In fact, if anyone refers to Israelis as anything other than jews, yahoodis or zionists, you shall delete them. Also, when you use these three words, your face must look like you have simultaneously eaten a lemon and sniffed a stinky sock.
- You have to praise Hitler. He DA man! On another note, he referred to muslims from the ME as “painted half-apes that ought to feel the whip.”
- Jews must be referred to as dogs. Why? Because dogs are ugly, disloyal and just plain disgusting.
- You have to remain ignorant of what Balochs go through on a daily basis in Pakistan. Do not read unbiased material. Also, ignore every atrocity that goes on in your country including honor killings, karo kari, acid throwing, etc (But do keep posting about Gaza though.)
- You will have to hate America. You hate everyone, that is besides the point, but with America, your hatred will be like a fiery passion that will steam out of every pore in your body screaming, loathing, cursing,…..while you line up for hours to get a visa for the US.
- You must ignore all the shias being massacred around you. Ignorance is truly bliss. When they come to your door step to get you, play dead.
- Ahmadis are not muslims. No no NO! You should never accept this and you must belittle, insult, persecute them every chance you get. And be very ashamed when people mention Abdus Salam.
- Your heroes must be people like Mumtaz Qadri, a murderer with exceptional naat singing skills and A.Q. Khan. The first being a murderer of a ‘blasphemer’ and the latter being a nuclear physicist who believes cars can run on water.
- The best show for you on TV has to be Amir Liaqat Ramadan Special. Whether you have seen the Ghalib movie or not, it does not matter. You must watch and praise Amir bhai. And when you do get the chance to ask important questions regarding your religion, you must ask the most important one of them all; is one’s wudu still valid after a woman puts on nail polish.
- This one is for the men – you shall visually undress every woman in Bollywood and Hollywood and get your perv on when you watch the item numbers. BUT, if a Pakistani woman shows half an inch of her left shoulder on a tv show, you shall go berserk and slut shame her to the nth level. You are, after all, the ‘honor keeper’ of all Pakistani women.
For women – you have to shame everyone wearing less than you. Dirty looks will also suffice.
- You should not let a Christian eat from the same utensils you eat from and they should only be worthy enough to clean your toilets. (If one does touch a utensil such as a glass, either throw away the glass or throw that person in jail for blasphemy.)
- When you fast, you must tell everyone in the continent and constantly whine about food and being hungry. If you see a person eating, beat that person.
I think this is enough for the beginners. Lots more on the way on Muslimaaniyat 102.
(For the extra smart readers, yes, I know I used Ramadan in the first comment. The Pakistani blood in me made me do it.)
Mona Hassan said:
Hilarious yet true. Pakistani Mulimiyat is a great combo of ignorance and hypocrisy. Comes with 72 fries too. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Abdul Majeed said:
Thank you.I was planning a tour of Pakistan.
LikeLike
Zohra Zimmen said:
Funny thought provoking honest brilliant
never stop writing girl.
LikeLike
Raj said:
spot on
LikeLike
umair ali nayyer said:
That is another gem penned by Shamila.You honestly have a way with the words, You explained all the hypocrisy of Pakistani Muslims in a very light manner.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Behrouz Khorasani said:
You are by far my favourite writer. I always look forward to reading what you write. Your writing style is always simple, funny and with a sting. It is very unique.
LikeLike
ADEEL PATHAN said:
really this country is fast being turned into an Arabian colony and becoming more intolerant leaving aside pluralistic values
LikeLike
Zalmay said:
You forgot to mention that with local Christians dont let them eat from your utensils but with Gora Christians feel proud if they dine with you
LikeLike
Randall A. Basham said:
You should visit this, you will enjoy it for sure.
https://boards.4chan.org/pol/catalog
LikeLike
Aref Deen said:
Excellent coverage of the facts indeed – love it Shamila 🙂
LikeLike
Komal said:
humorous but to the point. Great post. Can’t wait to read more of your work.
LikeLike
Ahmed said:
@Author
Have you authenticated the pictures that you have on your twitter account?
Just because Muslims in Pakistan are acting the way they are in the Palestine issue doesn’t mean it’s not horrific. Any thoughts on that?
LikeLike
Imran Malik said:
Very refreshing! Keep up the good work.
LikeLike
Imran Malik said:
Very Refreshing! Wonder whats happened to the moderates in Pakistan, have they gone underground?
LikeLike
Rafique said:
Really true and painfully honest..
LikeLike
Javaria said:
The word ‘Ramadan’ is an Arabic word, and pronouncing it correctly isn’t something to get so worked up about. I’d like to ask, do you pronounce school ‘eschool’ because it’s written like that in Urdu? I think your article is well written, and I enjoyed most of it. I don’t however think we’re copying the Arabic people by pronouncing a word correctly.
LikeLike
Chris P said:
Excellent post. It’s not only humorous, and clever, but very thorough. So thorough, I may use this list if I ever need to pretend to be a good Pakistani (I’m assuming Sunni) Muslim. Only thing is, I don’t think vegans are common among Pakistanis, so I may stand out. Also, I’m very pale, but I’ve been told I could pass for a Pashtun, Nuristani, or maybe even a Kashmiri.
LikeLike
Adnan said:
though ‘Jind’ is not an AArabic origin word but used in kuran.
LikeLike
Jason Walters said:
I love it. A pervasive but light-touched sarcasm that manages to ruthlessly expose the absurdity of it all. I think we have a new Voltaire 🙂
LikeLike
komal iqbal said:
I thought I was the only pakistani who would swear by this countries madness and its peoples brainwashed insanity.. Nice to know another thinks like me. Great post!
LikeLike
Anonymous said:
I’m so glad you cleared up the whole 72 virgins deal for women. Of course women don’t get 72 virgins in heaven!
LikeLike
Midhat said:
You are quite right about the hypocrisy bit but there are a few things that must be considered here: Firstly, “Ramadan” is an arabic word and in arabic there is no “Zuad” rather its correct pronounciation is “duad”. Its the same as some people here pronounce the italian dish “Pizza” wherein, the correct pronounciation is ” Pitzza”. Secondly, when coming to write anything about religion we must make sure that we have done complete research at our ends or else it becomes controversial. This I am refering to due to the Ahmedi part that actually is very much evident because of the ammendments that have been made there. But yes, I agree with the belittle part we have no right to do that. Wa’Allah alam bil ghaib !!
LikeLike
syed maaz rehan said:
You just hit the nail number 1! 🙂
LikeLike
Usman said:
What an ignorant writer! *Desi Liberal*
You probably missed that..
LikeLike
Amna Mumtaz said:
This was beyond hysterical! Talk about hitting all the nails on the head!! Never stop writing…..
LikeLike
Pingback: How to be a good muslim in Pakistan.
Nasir Ali said:
This is good stuff, gotta bookmark this page. Hilarious. Great job putting this together Shamila.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sana Rehan said:
well. the things you wrote are bullshit, sadly Pakistanis and Muslims are the only ones who promote their hypocrisy themselves, are you not a hypocrite? are u a really honest person..sadly it is a human trait not a Muslim or Pakistani trait… there might me many situations when u must’ve dealt ur everyday situation in a hypocritical way.. stop defaming Muslims, and get a life dear… this was some average piece of crap u wrote every wanna be liberal is says these things, now a dayz..
LikeLike
Behrouz Khorasani said:
You are what is wrong with your country Sana. This was brilliant satire, one of the best I have read. Religion is killing your country like it killed Iran.
Shamila you are my favourite writer, please keep writing the truth in the unique way you do and ignore these trolls.
LikeLike
syed maz rehan said:
Calm down there sana!!!
LikeLike
Girdharilal Kuchroo said:
Only thing you will ever need is prayers for removal of your troubles
LikeLike
Ahmad said:
you made my day. in fact my week. keep writing. and p(rov)oking the people who make my newsfeed a never ending scene from the shaalmi market
LikeLike
Asia said:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaa! I love your blog ❤ !
LikeLike
Pingback: Muslimaaniyat 102: How to be a good Muslim in Pakistan. | Shamila Ghyas