If you are a person wishing to learn about being a muslim in Pakistan; look no further, you have come to the right place. You could be a muslim from another country, a recent convert, or simply one willing to be the ‘best-est’ muslim out there. This list is just for you.
- You must post about Gaza around 99 times a day on every social media that exists. You must cry! No, not cry but rather WAIL your heart out about how bad you feel about them. (Do put aside your Ramadan pakoras though, the tears might ruin the taste.)
If you can’t muster up real ones then crocodile tears will suffice. Poke your eye if you have to, but get those darned tears out!
These 99 posts are equivalent to a person going kaboom, you both shall get 72 virgins/houris in the end. *wiggles eyebrows*
Disclaimer: houris not included for women heaven-ers.
- You must post pictures of horrifying incidents inflicted in Syria, Iraq, etc and claim that non muslims (ie. jews) are doing this to people in Gaza. Or Indians to Kashmiris when you are feeling particularly creative. Never verify the pictures you post. NEVER.
- You have to say Allah Hafiz to make it more (rather ONLY) muslim friendly. Khuda Hafiz was too generic, I mean anyone could have used it and we don’t want that, do we.
- You must use the word Ramadan because it makes everyone think you are an Arab. That is the most important mission in a Pakistani muslim’s life, to be an arab; and the 72 virgins. We must never forget the virgins.
- You have to delete everyone on your list and life who dares to even quietly suggest that there be peace for both Israel and Palestine. In fact, if anyone refers to Israelis as anything other than jews, yahoodis or zionists, you shall delete them. Also, when you use these three words, your face must look like you have simultaneously eaten a lemon and sniffed a stinky sock.
- You have to praise Hitler. He DA man! On another note, he referred to muslims from the ME as “painted half-apes that ought to feel the whip.”
- Jews must be referred to as dogs. Why? Because dogs are ugly, disloyal and just plain disgusting.
- You have to remain ignorant of what Balochs go through on a daily basis in Pakistan. Do not read unbiased material. Also, ignore every atrocity that goes on in your country including honor killings, karo kari, acid throwing, etc (But do keep posting about Gaza though.)
- You will have to hate America. You hate everyone, that is besides the point, but with America, your hatred will be like a fiery passion that will steam out of every pore in your body screaming, loathing, cursing,…..while you line up for hours to get a visa for the US.
- You must ignore all the shias being massacred around you. Ignorance is truly bliss. When they come to your door step to get you, play dead.
- Ahmadis are not muslims. No no NO! You should never accept this and you must belittle, insult, persecute them every chance you get. And be very ashamed when people mention Abdus Salam.
- Your heroes must be people like Mumtaz Qadri, a murderer with exceptional naat singing skills and A.Q. Khan. The first being a murderer of a ‘blasphemer’ and the latter being a nuclear physicist who believes cars can run on water.
- The best show for you on TV has to be Amir Liaqat Ramadan Special. Whether you have seen the Ghalib movie or not, it does not matter. You must watch and praise Amir bhai. And when you do get the chance to ask important questions regarding your religion, you must ask the most important one of them all; is one’s wudu still valid after a woman puts on nail polish.
- This one is for the men – you shall visually undress every woman in Bollywood and Hollywood and get your perv on when you watch the item numbers. BUT, if a Pakistani woman shows half an inch of her left shoulder on a tv show, you shall go berserk and slut shame her to the nth level. You are, after all, the ‘honor keeper’ of all Pakistani women.
For women – you have to shame everyone wearing less than you. Dirty looks will also suffice.
- You should not let a Christian eat from the same utensils you eat from and they should only be worthy enough to clean your toilets. (If one does touch a utensil such as a glass, either throw away the glass or throw that person in jail for blasphemy.)
- When you fast, you must tell everyone in the continent and constantly whine about food and being hungry. If you see a person eating, beat that person.
I think this is enough for the beginners. Lots more on the way on Muslimaaniyat 102.
(For the extra smart readers, yes, I know I used Ramadan in the first comment. The Pakistani blood in me made me do it.)