They say one can tell where you are from by just looking at the clothes you wear and the way you act. I say, why get up so close and personal, when you can just tell by the way they drive.
In Dubai, where drivers hail from all over the world, just a few minutes is all you will need to deduce what nationality sits behind the wheel, more often than not, wreaking havoc.
I’ll start with my favorite :
Now, Pakistanis drive very much the way they kill; recklessly, aggressively and without a plan in sight. They will turn into a overcrowded road (without indicating of course) making all the cars part much like Moses parted the Red sea, with just one single thought in their head “Allah maalik hai.”
Not only that, just like they think it is their moral duty to shove their version of religion down everyone else’s throats, they will drive like (this time ironically indicating) that they own the road.
Someone should tell them that going this way, will not earn them the houris. There has to be some form of kaboom action!
The only time a Pakistani will be reduced to a blubbering, think shaky little leaf, is when he is standing in front of a local Arab; silently whispering, ‘please don’t deport me, please don’t deport me.”
Aah, Egyptians. They should have never stopped walking like dancing hieroglyphics.
Egyptian drivers view others’ cars exactly the way Egyptian men see women; something created just to be harassed. Grazing past doors, hitting side mirrors, not so gently bumping the bumper, flashing lights while on the move are to be expected. Hey, no Broblem! It’s what cars were created for.
The slowest car on the road will usually belong to an Indian. That car on the highway on the fast lane going at 50km/hr with 20 cars behind it honking? Yeah, that car belongs to an Indian.
If you see a car going round the roundabout, going in circles without a clue on how to get out, rest assured that it is an Indian driver. Lemons and chilies will garnish parts of car, with some minor dents where coconuts bounced off the bonnet in hope that the God of driving will bring them back home safely. Or rather get them out of that godforsaken roundabout!
They will be the ones tailgating everyone.. much like how an arab goes out looking for potential wife number 6. That is all I will say, I am a Pakistani too, you see.
The swerving car that seemingly drives like there is a drunk person inside? BRITISH! I think just the time when they are handling their hangovers, is the only moment in a day, when they are not actually drunk. Ok, I am exaggerating, it’s not that bad, they are smart drivers. They try not to drink and drive; so, the person passed out on the side of the road in their own vomit, THAT’S the British person.
They only get into cars to look at their reflections in the mirror just to make sure they look good before getting TO their destination.
They don’t drive, they stick their head in gel, bath in perfume and shop at the mall. On their free time, they get drones, paint over the “Made in China” with “Made In Iran” and then prank the nearest American.
(How totally politically incorrect to place Americans under Iranians tsk tsk)
American drivers will be the ones with the twitchy fingers. They will be waving every part of their body trying to control the impulse to stick the middle finger out to everyone. It is a major crime (worse than rape) here to flip the birdy. You will end up in jail for it!
I don’t care if you have a license. You can’t drive. Even if you got the license in the third go, the tester must have been trying to prove miracles can happen. You.Cannot.Drive!
The person going over pavements, and then getting stuck there because the car can’t get down, FILIPINO!
Go home. Seriously just go home.
Coming soon: How not to anger a local.